Anxiety all day

Uncontrollable shaking,

Sweating palms,

Hoping no one notices

Trying to remain calm.

I don’t understand

Why I feel so blue.

I want to grow old

I’m so in love with you.

Am I losing my mind?

Is my fear coming true?

You never open up

I feel I’m losing you.

Please don’t give up

Cause I don’t want to go

I just want to feel happy

But then, how will I know?

Husband vs.Wife

I’m so fucking lost right now and I have no idea what to do. I want to be a good mom and wife. I want to help. I want to at least feel like I am being helpful.

How did our mothers and grandmothers do it? How do you feel fulfilled when staying home with the kids? Is the world a better place because you chose to raise your kids instead of getting a 9-5 job? The torment I go through with these questions is constant in my head.

I thought I was going to be a doctor. Then college hit and I partied too much. I got pregnant. I became a single mom. I finally met the love of my life, married, and had another baby. But now, I’m 28 years old and I feel like a loser.

I am in school again but took the summer off! (Needed a mental break) I feel like I have accomplished so much and yet nothing at the same time. I don’t contribute to finances. My husband is in charge of bills. I like it this way, so don’t get your panties in a bunch. I have always procrastinated when it came to paying bills so the Hubs took over.

I thought being a mom AND wife was a job. I cook, clean, do laundry, buy groceries, take care of house, pets, kids, etc. I don’t need one more thing. I don’t need extra stress in my life. And honestly I don’t think mentally I can add anymore things to my to-do list. I may just explode.

My kids will both be in school this fall and I look forward to the alone time. I also told the Hubs I would get a job then. I don’t understand why he keeps pushing me to get a job that would end up paying for daycare? I am the daycare, evening care, and night care! 24/7 is my current schedule.

I just want to be happy. That’s it. I want my husband to be proud of me and I want my kids to have the best summer ever with their mommy!

Happy wife, happy life, right?

NO kids today!

Holy shit, I cannot believe I have the house all to myself. I was cleaning and trying to pick up before the husband got home, but I decided to binge watch Netflix instead. I usually hear fighting, video games, crying, laughing, and TVs on full blast from the kids! Nothing. It’s so quiet….

My eldest daughter just got back from her dad’s house. She spent a few extra days with him since she is on summer break. She came back in an awful mood and was making her little sister cry and kicking her sister out of her room. I finally talked to her after I got done disciplining her and she said that, “dad yelled at her while she was at his house.” I asked her, “Why?” She said, “because he was trying to play a video game.”

He never sees her and he can’t expect her to play all the time with his other daughter, she’s a baby still. I don’t understand how you can’t just pretend to be a good dad when she’s around? I don’t know… I just don’t want her heart broken like mine was. He doesn’t help support her. I have tried to show him how serious it can get if he doesn’t help support her and he doesn’t care.

My husband has helped me raise her like she was his. She used to fall asleep on his chest as a baby, actually, they would both fall asleep. He is my best friend. He is the most impressive human-being, kind and sweet. He saved us. He has supported her since she was 3 months old and I could not have asked for a better man to raise a family with. He is my knight in shining armor and I am truly lucky!

Anyway, sorry I had to brag. I just can’t believe how polar opposite these dads are. I hope all you dads out there know how important you are to your little girl. I know some men don’t really connect when they have a daughter because they wanted a son or whatever the case. Please, I am telling you all children, no matter their gender, deserve to have a good, kind, and strong daddy in their life.

Writing to you

I read somewhere that if you write things down, it will help your anxiety. I always feel like my brain won’t shut down at night and I over think everything.

I wanted to tell you that I appreciate you all taking time out to read my rants. I love to write. I want to get what I am thinking out of my head so I can close my eyes and dream. If it helps me sleep, doesn’t that make it a healthy hobby?

I don’t really have any hobbies. I can cook, clean, etc. I haven’t picked up any hobbies due to children. I just hang with them and keep them alive while attending wifely household duties.

I do plan on doing some fun stuff this summer and I will be sure to share along the way. Some things I like to do with the kids when it is nice is:

  • Going to our Community pool
  • Sprinklers
  • Water balloons
  • Parks
  • Walks around the neighborhood
  • Biking
  • Make slime – outside!
  • Amusement parks
  • Yard sales
  • Zoo

Kids are only kids once and I enjoy watching them learn and play. My kids are hilarious and my new neighbors have two girls around my girls’ ages so they are going to have a a lot fun this summer. I hope everyone gets to do a few fun activities this summer!

Update on kid

Well I did it. I talked to my child about what was on her phone. I asked her if she understood what “it” meant and she said, “no.” I asked,
“if it was a grown up or kid that introduced it to her?” She told me, “Kid.” Her dad stepped in and advised her she wouldn’t be in trouble but we needed to know. She blamed her friend from her old school!

This “friend” was over about a month and I am wondering if that is when she told my kid about sex. She seems like a nice kid, but I noticed her bullying my kid. She also pushed my daughter into the pond in our backyard. Luckily, it was only up to her ankles when she fell in! My husband and I both feel like our daughter does not need to be around this girl and after finding what we did on her iPod (last post explains), it seems like the right thing.

This little girl is not a bad person, but I know she has an older sister that is 17 years old and that is going to influence a 8 year-old sibling. I understand and know that this girl has had it rough, but my kid is no where near that level and she does not need to know about that stuff right now.

I did explain to my kid that sex is ONLY for grownups and you should LOVE the person very much. I asked, “Do you have any questions?” She said, “No.” I do not want to force this topic on her but I also want to make sure I explain it right for her age. She’s a baby still! She’ll be 8 years old in a couple months. Pool Party!

Anyway, I think I handled it ok. I am contemplating on whether or not I need to let the “friend’s” guardian know? What would you do? Any advise on the matter?

Happy Memorial Day!

Thank you to all our Veterans and current soldiers!

Hope everyone had a great Memorial weekend! Let me just tell you a little something that happened to me this weekend…

My girls had a sleepover and the hubs and I went to the Little 500 and had a good time without the kids! It was a pretty nice weekend until last night. We were getting ready for bed and I thought the girls were asleep, but they were still on their IPad/IPod. My eldest child decided that she was going to try and delete things she was looking at before I took hers away. That was my first clue.

I sat down in bed and started going through her IPod and I am literally shocked and do not know what to do. She was looking at PORN! She’s only 7! Why in the world is she looking at that stuff already? As I think back to my childhood, I asked my mom about sex at 8 years old. So I guess it is a normal age, but I am terrified to confront MY baby about it. I’m not ready!

Don’t worry about me

Even when I feel down

I know you are there

You are the only one that sees me

the only one that cares

Loving me is not easy

Believe me, I know

But God put us together

To love each other and grow

I promised my life

my heart and soul to you

I’m not going anywhere

Unless you want me to

Don’t worry about me

My breathes will not cease

Just stay by my side

Don’t ever leave, please..

No Where Fast

Driving through Indiana in the Spring/Summer is so beautiful. Today we were headed to my parents house and I took country roads to avoid interstate traffic. As I weave through the road on a S curve, my daughter exclaims, “Oh look at the beautiful flowers!” The whole field was lit up with wild yellow flowers and it looked like the poppy field from “Wizard of Oz.” I thought, “ How wonderful my little girl sees the beauty in the world at such a young age (she’s 5).”

I still see a beautiful world at certain moments, but I don’t remember the last time I have felt like ‘anything is possible.’ I feel like my options are limited. Life ambitions differ to person to person. My life talent has not made it self known to me.

What do you want to do in life? I want to be happy.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Teaching my kids how to drive.

What are your favorite hobbies? Watching Netflix, reading, keeping my kids alive, listening to music, and dancing.

How do you know what your destiny is? Is happiness based on the type of life you live all together, what you do for a paycheck, what kind of car you drive? I do not want to be that mom that puts work in front of her family. I can not seem to get a job that pays to put my children in daycare. Why would I trade that time and pay more money out of pocket?

I guess I just do not understand working for a person or a company and literally dreading every day. I want to enjoy life. We only get one chance, right? I want to make it count by living my dream.

My dream was to find the love of my life and start a family. Dream is achieved. Now I am stuck. Stuck on finding a new path to take without leaving my family in the shadows.

Is this real life?

Today was a beautiful day! Sun was out, warm wind, and I got the sprinklers out for the kids. I cleaned house and got some sun, it was a really relaxing day. My husband came home, we got pizza for dinner, and as I sit down to read some facebook statuses I see a local news headline, “Baby dies after being in a hot car…”

Are you serious right now? How can you forget about your baby? I have never understood how parents can have zero regard for their own child’s safety. I worry about everything when it comes to my child’s well-being and safety. I can not imagine how that baby suffered.

So I just read the rest of the article. It’s not very detailed but says, “the mother was in the car at the time.” Are you fucking kidding me? I seriously hate people. How does this happen? It’s the only warm day of the season so far.. I just could not believe it. Investigation is ongoing so might learn more later.

I know that baby is God’s arms now. It hurts my heart that she lost her life too soon, but how does one not notice their baby isn’t breathing? Baby may not have been in a good home. But I don’t know, I just know that it’s sad and after the lovely day my girls and I had outside, it just does not seem like it could be real life.

Keep my dad in your prayers

Today has been a tough day. My mom called me at 3pm and told me that my Dad is in the hospital. She said he called her at 9:30am and told her, “to come back home from work because he wasn’t feeling well.” She sped towards home and tried to get him up to the car, but she was not able to lift him. She ended up calling the ambulance. She said, “ Dad was gasping for air and I felt helpless.”

My dad is a diabetic. He has been a diabetic for as long as I have known him. That being said, I want to inform you that he is technically my stepdad. He has helped raise me since I was ten years old. I love him so much and cannot imagine where my mom and I would have ended up had he not married her. He saved her. He saved me.

The doctors diagnosed him with pneumonia and congestive heart failure. To my understanding there is a chance he can get better with antibiotics and meds, but he is also on dialysis due to renal failure. His vital signs were fair when I left the hospital and his blood sugar was in normal range. Pretty sure it has not been normal for years now. He went to the hospital about 2-3 years ago and his blood sugar was over 700! The Nurse said, “ how often do you take you blood sugar?” He said, “ I don’t.” …Are you kidding me? I wanted to yell at him, dude, you are a DIABETIC! The Nurse said, “Oh, is that because you don’t know how?” I laughed at her and said, “ No, it’s because he chooses not to.”

My dad does not like being told what to do. I think, that he thinks, if he does not acknowledge having diabetes, then it will disappear. He is a very stubborn country boy, I think that is why we used to butt heads when I was younger. I was a spoiled little shit and he turned me into a respectful, responsible, and grateful young woman.

I do not know what is going to happen from here. I would like to see if the hospital can test me, to see if we would be a good match for a kidney transplant, but I know my dad does not want me to do that. I think it would be a good idea to at least find out if I’m a match first and then go from there. My mom tried and she was not a match.

I thank you for reading my story and if you could, shout out a little prayer to the Big Guy for my Dad.

Dear Lord,

My dad is one of the strongest people I have ever met, but he needs your help. I pray that you give him the courage to keep fighting and hopefully this time he will take the steps he needs to get better. I thank you for all the wonderful memories you have given us so far, but I think he still has some more time in him. Please don’t take him just yet. Thank you for all that you have blessed us with and in Jesus name, Amen.

-Amanda