Anxiety all day

Uncontrollable shaking,

Sweating palms,

Hoping no one notices

Trying to remain calm.

I don’t understand

Why I feel so blue.

I want to grow old

I’m so in love with you.

Am I losing my mind?

Is my fear coming true?

You never open up

I feel I’m losing you.

Please don’t give up

Cause I don’t want to go

I just want to feel happy

But then, how will I know?

Husband vs.Wife

I’m so fucking lost right now and I have no idea what to do. I want to be a good mom and wife. I want to help. I want to at least feel like I am being helpful.

How did our mothers and grandmothers do it? How do you feel fulfilled when staying home with the kids? Is the world a better place because you chose to raise your kids instead of getting a 9-5 job? The torment I go through with these questions is constant in my head.

I thought I was going to be a doctor. Then college hit and I partied too much. I got pregnant. I became a single mom. I finally met the love of my life, married, and had another baby. But now, I’m 28 years old and I feel like a loser.

I am in school again but took the summer off! (Needed a mental break) I feel like I have accomplished so much and yet nothing at the same time. I don’t contribute to finances. My husband is in charge of bills. I like it this way, so don’t get your panties in a bunch. I have always procrastinated when it came to paying bills so the Hubs took over.

I thought being a mom AND wife was a job. I cook, clean, do laundry, buy groceries, take care of house, pets, kids, etc. I don’t need one more thing. I don’t need extra stress in my life. And honestly I don’t think mentally I can add anymore things to my to-do list. I may just explode.

My kids will both be in school this fall and I look forward to the alone time. I also told the Hubs I would get a job then. I don’t understand why he keeps pushing me to get a job that would end up paying for daycare? I am the daycare, evening care, and night care! 24/7 is my current schedule.

I just want to be happy. That’s it. I want my husband to be proud of me and I want my kids to have the best summer ever with their mommy!

Happy wife, happy life, right?

NO kids today!

Holy shit, I cannot believe I have the house all to myself. I was cleaning and trying to pick up before the husband got home, but I decided to binge watch Netflix instead. I usually hear fighting, video games, crying, laughing, and TVs on full blast from the kids! Nothing. It’s so quiet….

My eldest daughter just got back from her dad’s house. She spent a few extra days with him since she is on summer break. She came back in an awful mood and was making her little sister cry and kicking her sister out of her room. I finally talked to her after I got done disciplining her and she said that, “dad yelled at her while she was at his house.” I asked her, “Why?” She said, “because he was trying to play a video game.”

He never sees her and he can’t expect her to play all the time with his other daughter, she’s a baby still. I don’t understand how you can’t just pretend to be a good dad when she’s around? I don’t know… I just don’t want her heart broken like mine was. He doesn’t help support her. I have tried to show him how serious it can get if he doesn’t help support her and he doesn’t care.

My husband has helped me raise her like she was his. She used to fall asleep on his chest as a baby, actually, they would both fall asleep. He is my best friend. He is the most impressive human-being, kind and sweet. He saved us. He has supported her since she was 3 months old and I could not have asked for a better man to raise a family with. He is my knight in shining armor and I am truly lucky!

Anyway, sorry I had to brag. I just can’t believe how polar opposite these dads are. I hope all you dads out there know how important you are to your little girl. I know some men don’t really connect when they have a daughter because they wanted a son or whatever the case. Please, I am telling you all children, no matter their gender, deserve to have a good, kind, and strong daddy in their life.

Writing to you

I read somewhere that if you write things down, it will help your anxiety. I always feel like my brain won’t shut down at night and I over think everything.

I wanted to tell you that I appreciate you all taking time out to read my rants. I love to write. I want to get what I am thinking out of my head so I can close my eyes and dream. If it helps me sleep, doesn’t that make it a healthy hobby?

I don’t really have any hobbies. I can cook, clean, etc. I haven’t picked up any hobbies due to children. I just hang with them and keep them alive while attending wifely household duties.

I do plan on doing some fun stuff this summer and I will be sure to share along the way. Some things I like to do with the kids when it is nice is:

  • Going to our Community pool
  • Sprinklers
  • Water balloons
  • Parks
  • Walks around the neighborhood
  • Biking
  • Make slime – outside!
  • Amusement parks
  • Yard sales
  • Zoo

Kids are only kids once and I enjoy watching them learn and play. My kids are hilarious and my new neighbors have two girls around my girls’ ages so they are going to have a a lot fun this summer. I hope everyone gets to do a few fun activities this summer!

Update on kid

Well I did it. I talked to my child about what was on her phone. I asked her if she understood what “it” meant and she said, “no.” I asked,
“if it was a grown up or kid that introduced it to her?” She told me, “Kid.” Her dad stepped in and advised her she wouldn’t be in trouble but we needed to know. She blamed her friend from her old school!

This “friend” was over about a month and I am wondering if that is when she told my kid about sex. She seems like a nice kid, but I noticed her bullying my kid. She also pushed my daughter into the pond in our backyard. Luckily, it was only up to her ankles when she fell in! My husband and I both feel like our daughter does not need to be around this girl and after finding what we did on her iPod (last post explains), it seems like the right thing.

This little girl is not a bad person, but I know she has an older sister that is 17 years old and that is going to influence a 8 year-old sibling. I understand and know that this girl has had it rough, but my kid is no where near that level and she does not need to know about that stuff right now.

I did explain to my kid that sex is ONLY for grownups and you should LOVE the person very much. I asked, “Do you have any questions?” She said, “No.” I do not want to force this topic on her but I also want to make sure I explain it right for her age. She’s a baby still! She’ll be 8 years old in a couple months. Pool Party!

Anyway, I think I handled it ok. I am contemplating on whether or not I need to let the “friend’s” guardian know? What would you do? Any advise on the matter?

Happy Memorial Day!

Thank you to all our Veterans and current soldiers!

Hope everyone had a great Memorial weekend! Let me just tell you a little something that happened to me this weekend…

My girls had a sleepover and the hubs and I went to the Little 500 and had a good time without the kids! It was a pretty nice weekend until last night. We were getting ready for bed and I thought the girls were asleep, but they were still on their IPad/IPod. My eldest child decided that she was going to try and delete things she was looking at before I took hers away. That was my first clue.

I sat down in bed and started going through her IPod and I am literally shocked and do not know what to do. She was looking at PORN! She’s only 7! Why in the world is she looking at that stuff already? As I think back to my childhood, I asked my mom about sex at 8 years old. So I guess it is a normal age, but I am terrified to confront MY baby about it. I’m not ready!

Don’t worry about me

Even when I feel down

I know you are there

You are the only one that sees me

the only one that cares

Loving me is not easy

Believe me, I know

But God put us together

To love each other and grow

I promised my life

my heart and soul to you

I’m not going anywhere

Unless you want me to

Don’t worry about me

My breathes will not cease

Just stay by my side

Don’t ever leave, please..